kita walks. blogs. lives. loves. cries. and shares about it.

what can i really do?

2011-03-21T13:38:00.000-04:00

Blessed are you who sit behind a desk for 8 hours & scan pictures of the the havoc in Japan. Blessed are you who drive home in your car that is not smashed up against debris. Blessed are you who go home to 4 walls, windows, a roof, air & heat. Blessed are you who lay in a comfy bed, thinking of what your day will look like tomorrow.

Wake up oh sleeper!

Mourn & wail for the Lost, for the broken. Arise & listen to your heart. Trust your heart. If it is beating & lamenting for the poor, then go! Do something now. You are a force for good! Even your smallest offering of money, time & service is of value.

You are of value.

Get out of your office. Get off the couch. Don't just cry, stuck in the sadness. Pray. Beg God to bind up the broken hearted. To heal the sick. To make beautiful things in His world, using His people.

Your Heart is at Stake Sister.

2011-02-15T12:51:00.000-05:00

when did we think we could actually leave our heart OUT while we live IN relationships? when did we think we could actually.control.every.part.of.it... ? i haven't been a part of any realtionship where my heart has not been in it... with my parents... my sisters... my brother... my best girl friends... my mentor... those i mentor... my co-workers in ministry... my co-works in the secular setting... my boyfriend. i.can't.leave.my.heart.out.

and somewhere down the road i will get hurt, my chest will tighten up, my throat will be unable to speak words... just mumble tears. everyone you Love has the capacity to hurt you. everyone. the one you love most. and the one you are related to by blood. they.will.fail.and.hurt.your.heart. does that mean i choose to stay close to Apathy & live in the "i really don't care" mindset... Apathy invites me close on a cold day... and i want to accept the invitation... who really wants to get hurt & feel the pain of withdrawl or a lack of understanding? only a masochist. the whispered lie, speaks sweetly, telling me that Apathy really is the best way to go. i wont' have to feel anything. it's easier to walk alone. it's better to walk out on family drama. it's easier to not get involved with that student's messy home life.

your heart is at stake. you choose. Love... its many facets of joy & pain. or Apathy... & the cool embrace that fears nothing, cuz it only has self.

out on a limb.

2010-04-26T19:04:00.000-04:00

i'm out on a limb here. confused. restless. full of estrogen. maybe lacking in some essential vitamins. i'm back to hanging on the ledge... and my fingers feel like they are slipping. piece by piece it's falling out. and i can't stop it or understand why it's happening. i could be pregnant if immaculate conception happens twice. they keep saying if i stress out more that it will only make it worse. and stressing seem like all i can do. i'm tired. and fighting apathy. striving for intentionality. i don't know if i'm winning this battle, but i'm gonna fight. i've released the grip on my job... house... income...beloved pup... and now my health? i wonder what else i will have to release in this journey.

Lord, give me the willingness to continually surrender. clothe me in humility. open my eyes to what You are doing. i open my hand & release the grip on my "perfect life" once again. thank you Lord, that You know every hair on my head, my coming & goings... that my days are ordained in Your perfect will. i love you.

the guy with the donkey

2010-03-27T13:45:00.002-04:00

To let you in on a little secret, this week is my favorite week. It's the treck that Jesus took from Jericho to Jerusalem. i love it because it is no ordinary week. For on this week hinged the door of eternity. Yours & mine. The week leads us straight to the garden on Thursday, the Cross on Friday... and the Resurrection of Sunday, for He is Risen Indeed!

... Start the treck with Jesus, open your Bibles to Matthew 21, read about the triumphal entry & the guy with the donkey. Sunday is the symbolic day were celebrate when Jesus entered Jerusalem with all the people waving palms. Jesus claimed to be King. He is speaking as one in authority. He is stating that as King He has rights to any possessions of His subjects ... but what if He didn't start the journey and ask... and what if for loads of years i totally turned a deaf ear to humbleness... and acknowleding that my gifts are His gifts, and that all things that are credited to me are because Jesus counted me as righteous? Where the heck would i be? Who would i be without the LOVE of Jesus poured out on to me? Thank you Lord that your thougths are high above & that you know the plans you have for me. Thank you for your triumphal entry into my heart.

healing is in Your hands

2010-03-26T23:19:00.013-04:00

no mountain, no valley

no gain or loss we know

could keeep us from Your Love

no sickness, no secrect

no chain is strong enough to keep us from Your Love

how high, how wide, no matter where i am

healing is in how Your hands

how deep, how strong, now by Your grace i stand healing is in Your hands

our present, our future, our past is in Your hands

we're covered by your blood

in all things, we know that, we are more than conquerors.

you keep by Your Love

sang by jen, meg and tjay

for tony edge's celebration service

forever in our hearts.

the big picture, i cannot see.

2010-03-25T17:26:00.000-04:00

it was last september the Lord [King of Kings, My Provider, The Giver of Life, My Beloved] told me to "Stop holding on to your perfect life, perfect job, perfect house, perfect schedule"...

and since then i have almost quit/got fired from my job. i've backed off my second job, my fun job. i've moved out of my house. i've put all of my belonging in a 5 x10 storage building. i've given away all of my furniture. i've sent my sweet pup to So Flo. i've settled into a 9-5 schedule... and the whole time i continue to wonder "I wonder what the big picture is?"

and i sit and still wonder... but for some odd reason i believe that My Beloved has the bigger plan in His sight... and He is calling me to rest in Him.

and so i rest. and wait. and wonder. and trust.

thankful in oh nine

2010-01-19T12:13:00.002-05:00

Someone asked me what i was thankful for.... and i decided to post my 2009 list:

Jesus for sure!
The good 'ole familia
Ruthie Corley
SF
A passion to make a difference, ‘cause “Every Life Deserves Hope”!
Mentoring girls
A sound mind in being content in being single.
My office co-workers who I can counsel students with & laugh with.
Old friends far away, which I can always be “me” with.
Humility, which brings you to your knees and crying, but always produces a greater fruit.
Old Chubb
Pen pals
Supplementing the income at Dev's, an ability to be a light there... even when i want to quit.
Movements of the Spirit
Knowing a love that still causes me to get choked up when i think about it.
Traveling
Secular friends... who struggle. And I can love.
And for my beautiful friend downtown, Ashley Binette. She’s the bomb.
AND last, but not least, worship music.... that i have grown to love yet again. who knew?

Stagnant Cardboard

2009-12-22T23:52:00.002-05:00

an original haiku

by kita & shen-shen

written while driving

all my ideas

packed away in boxes

creativeness gone

after packing my house up in 4 days i felt drained. and then people were asking for advice & opinions... and i felt that all my good ideas were packed, stacked, taped & boxed up. who knew moving was so hard? thank you shen-shen for helping me write this, a bold move to win back my creativity.

my girl, all up in your grill

2009-12-09T01:34:00.001-05:00

This picture was taken by Rachel Ann. Thank you.

turning the music up... keeps the demons at bay

2009-12-09T00:47:00.005-05:00

I love music. I love that it can totally make a cold, rainy day warm & brighter. It can evoke emotions from the whole spectrum.

Today was a day of overwhelming emotions of thankfulness & love. I sat in my office sharing with a friend about a church I used to go to for a weekly bible study in Ft. Lauderdale (Calvary Chapel)right after I became a Christian... and I started realizing that have grown. I've changed over the past 10 years. I've progressed on the journey that I started so long ago... from the girl with misguided Christian bubble-living & a self-focused life to the woman that loves God & loves people (I have not arrived thou). The prayers I prayed throughout the years pertaining to the deep yearnings of my soul have been answered... and I sat in my office, overwhelmed & wrapped up in love.

A good friend sent me the link to this song today. "Green Screens", from the band Sleeping at Last. Shot in stop animation, I love everything about it, lyrics included. It resonated. And prompted me to listen to it again. And again.

I also love turning the music loud... not because I'm still going through my "rebellious teen" stage, but because sometimes I like to escape my thoughts & get lost in the lyrics... I heard an artist say that "turning the music up, keeps the demons at bay". This rings true for me, and as I sat in an empty office, I turned the music up & floated off in the sea of poetic words wrapped into a sweet melody.

So where ever you are, whatever you are doing, know that I love you... and so does the God of the universe who expresses His love for you in so many ways (even in a song). May you be wrapped up in His love & forgiveness. May you be so overwhelmed that you sit on the edge of your seat... in your office, in the car pool line, in your classroom... praising Him for the love, laughter, trial & tears that have passed through your life. Speechless, because He has heard your lamentations & has not turned a deaf ear.

older, and not yet wiser.

2009-12-03T21:04:00.001-05:00

I wonder when I will "arrive". You know, to the place when you are cool with doing the tough things. And by "tough" I mean letting your landlord know that, no it is not okay for green & black mold to be growing on the window frame, shoes & clothes.

As I wondered through Wallmart looking at bleach, cleaning products & brushes I was totally wishing that I had a man to take care of all of this junk. Slow down femenist Franny, I'm not your every day Sally that needs a man to take care of my needs... BUT it would be nice to have one around to help pick out bleach products, to scrape floor boards & to wear the mask to scrub the icky black mold off the frame. AND to kick my landlord's lazy butt into gear. I hope my "strong" email did the trick with that guy, you decide:

3 December 2009

Nick,

Thank you for coming by to look at the mold that is growing in my room. I am disappointed though that you would be so lack luster in looking at it for less than 1 minute & coming to the conclusion that it is all from the dryer. All the windows are fogged, yet only one window frame that is a science project with black mold is the one directly under the basement door (the basement door, which has a hole in it too).

I can appreciate wanting to “go the cheap way” in fixing this matter, but this is a serious problem that I would like handled before it turns into a bigger issue. The water in the basement needs to be removed immediately. I am bleaching the window frames and removing all of the black & green mold (and throwing away my shoes & washing all my clothes that have mold on them).

I am documenting your visit along with requesting a need for maintenance on the windows so that they can be opened and screens to help ventilation.

I would like to be kept in the loop on how you are taking care of the water in the basement, cleaning all mold spores (both green & black) down there & how you plan to maintain a dry/ventilated basement.

Best,
J. Arellano

I do know one thing for sure though... that I have a God that goes to bat for me all the time. And friends that with pinch hit for me & steal bases. Now if only I could embrace the mask & mold scraping I'd be all set.